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1) A Jewish businessman in Antwerp sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture. When the son returned, he said, "Papa, I had a great time in Israel . "By the way, I converted to Christianity."
"Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?"
He took his problem to his best friend. "Mosje," he said, "I sent my son to Israel , and he came home a Christian. What can I do?"
"Funny you should ask," said Mosje. "I too, sent my son to Israel , and he also came home a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi."
So they did, and they explained their problem to the rabbi. "Funny you should ask," said the rabbi. "I, too, sent my son to Israel , and he also came home a Christian. What is happening to our young people?"
And so they all prayed, telling the Lord about their sons. As they finished their prayer, a voice came from the heavens:
"Funny you should ask," said the voice. "I, too, sent my son to Israel."
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2) A man owned a small farm in Scotland. The Inland Revenue claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.
'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to... the half-wit,' says the agent.
'That would be me,' replied the farmer.
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3) A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
- 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
- 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
- 'Sure.'
- 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
- 'No, I can remember it.'
- 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so not to forget it?'
He says: 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
- 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says: 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment...
'Where's my toast ?'
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4) A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together.
One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.
Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?" The other three agreed.
The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."
The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."
The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."
The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret."
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5) A man driving around the backwoods of Montana sees a sign in front of a broken down house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.'
He rings the bell, and the owner appears and tells him that the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he asks: 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says: 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help my country, so I contacted the CIA. In no time at all, they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible drug deals and was awarded a batch of medals. So I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog ...
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit'
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6) A journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. He went to check it out.
He went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. He watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, he approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm a reporter. What's your name?"
"Abrham Mosjevitch," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."
"And how do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a brick wall!"
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7) An Italian, Frenchman and an Indian went for a job interview in England.
They were told that they must compose a sentence in English with three main words: green, pink and yellow.
The Italian was first: 'I wake up in the morning. I see the yellow sun. I see the green grass and I hope it will be a pink day.'
The Frenchman was next: ' I wake up in the morning, I eat a yellow banana, a green pepper and in the evening I watch the pinkpanther show.
Last was the Indian: 'I wake up in the morning, I hear the phone 'green green', I 'pink ' up the phone and I say 'yellow'!
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8) A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her: "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said: "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said: "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her: "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis to whom women will flock."
The woman replied: "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said: "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said: "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM - she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered: "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you.
Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers, continue reading ...
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story: Women think they're so smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this, it only goes to show that women never listen.
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9) Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers, when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to classes. As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, 'Good morning sisters.'
The novices replied, 'Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you.' But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, 'I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning.' This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue.
A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with, 'Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you wisdom for our students today.'
'Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you.' But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, 'She got out of the wrong side of bed today.' Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant.
Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face, before greeting Sister Mary. 'Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day.'
'Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior and thank you. I see you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.' Mother Superior was floored! 'Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said that about me.'
Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face. 'Oh, don't take it personal, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers.'
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10) Jesus knows you are here ...
A Burgler broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said: 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard: 'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus.'
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11) A guy is 85 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'
He looked around and couldn't see any one.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,'Pick me up.'
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'
With age comes wisdom.
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12) A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue . . .
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp.."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."
2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looking reborn and fresh again.
Woman: "Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me."
Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!"
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13) During a business trip, Homer checked into the hotel. Recently, he had been a bit lonely, so he thought he'd hire one of those girls he had seen advertised in the phone books listed under Escorts and Massages.
He opened the phone book to an ad for a girl calling herself Erotique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautifully shagged wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. He figured, what the hell, and placed the call.
"Hellooo?" the woman says.
"God, she sounded sexy!" he thinks..
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.
No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"
"That sounds fantastic, Sir ....but for an outside line you need to press 9 first ..."
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14) An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.
The Devil said to the lawyer: "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked:
"So, what's the catch?"
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15) One afternoon, I was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when I walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour.
This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep."
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16) New element in the periodic table:
Element: WOMEN
Symbol: WO+
Atomic mass: Accepted as 53.6 Kg; isotopes may vary from 40-200 kg.
Occurrence: Copious quantities in all urban areas.
Physical properties:
1. Boils at room temperature
2. Freezes without any known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter, if incorrectly used.
5. Sweet as Honey if given a proper treatment.
Chemical properties:
1. Have great affinity for Gold, Silver and a range of precious stones
and absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
2. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
3. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.
Common uses
1. Highly ornamental, good samples can increase your social value.
2. Can be great aid to administration.
Tests:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when happy.
2. Turns green when placed behind a better specimen.
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17) A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".
She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
18) Conversation with God ...
Man: God?
God: Yes?
Man: Can I ask you something?
God: Of course!
Man: What is for you a million of years?
God: A second.
Man: And a million dollars?
God: A penny.
Man: God, Can you give me a penny?
God: Wait a second.
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19) The old man's pond...
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him: "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned: "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said: "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Some old men can still think fast.
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20) Daddy, How was I born?
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers, Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via email with your Mum and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little 'Pop-Up' appeared that said: 'You have Male!'
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21) When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In high school I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but direction less. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
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22) Lucky Singh was talking to his travel agent, Jolly Singh.
Lucky tells Jolly: "I am about ready for a vacation. Only this year, I am going to do it a little differently. The last few years, I have been taking your advice on where to go.
Three years ago you said go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and my wife Gurpreet got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Gurpreet got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and Gurpreet once again got pregnant."
Jolly asks Lucky: "So, what are you going to do this year that is different?"
Lucky smiles and says: "This year, I'm taking Gurpreet with me!"
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23) The Slap
The train goes through a tunnel and it becomes pitch black in the car, a loud SMACK is heard. the train emerges from the tunnel and the Englishman is rubbing his cheek.
The Swedish girl thinks "I bet he tried to grope me and accidentally got the old woman and she slapped him."
The Dutch woman thinks "He must have groped the Swedish girl and she slapped him."
The Englishman thinks "The Irishman must have groped the Swedish girl and she accidentally slapped me."
And the Irishman thinks "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can smack that English guy again."
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24) Ideal
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home.
2. It's important to have a woman who cooks from time to time.
3. It's important to have a woman who keeps the house clean.
4. It's important to have a woman who has a job.
5. It's important to have a woman who likes you.
6. It's important to have a woman who can be your very best friend.
7. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
8. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, who doesn't lie to you.
9. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed.
And.
10. It's very, very important that these nine women do not know each other.
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25) Grandad was reminiscing about the good old days.
"When I were a lad, Momma would send me down to the corner store with a dollar, and I'd come back with five pounds of potatoes, two loaves of bread, three pints of milk, a pound of cheese, a packet of tea, ad half a dozen eggs. Yes, can't do that now...
.... too many damm security cameras."
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26) The Lexophiles are in wordy Love
* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
* Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
* Did you hear about the guy whose whole leftside was cut off? He's all right now.
* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
* The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
* When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
* The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
* We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles: U.C.L.A.
* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
* If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
* A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
* A bicycle can't stand alone: it is two tired.
* A will, is a dead giveaway.
* Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
* A backward poet writes inverse.
* In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
* A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
* If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
* With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
* Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
* When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
* The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
* A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
* You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
* Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
* He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
* A calendar's days are numbered.
* A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and taint mine'.
* A boiled egg, is hard to beat.
* He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
* A plateau, is a high form of flattery.
* Those who get too big for their britches will be exposedin the end.
* When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
* If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
* When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
* I knew she was bulimic so I tried not to talk about food, but she kept bringing it up!
* I didn't know where the sun went at night, so I stayed up thinking about it until it dawned on me.
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27) "My name is Zach Galifianakis... I hope I'm pronouncing that right."
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28) Irish Fire Fighter
Paddy, was walking along the street during his once-in-a-lifetime visit to New York when he rounds a corner and there's a high rise building on fire.
Paddy, ever the kind-hearted and resourceful Irishman, runs up to the building to see if he can help, and notices people trapped five storeys up.
Paddy yells to the people: 'I'm Patrick Sean Michael Fitzpatrick, the Irish Rugby Union fullback! If you jump, I'll catch you, I've only had 6 pints to drink all today!"
One lady, in desperation, jumps and sure enough Paddy catches her.
Then a man sees that Paddy catches the woman and he jumps.
Sure enough, Paddy catches him also.
Then a black man jumps out and crashes to the sidewalk. Paddy didn't even attempt to catch him.
Paddy looks up and yells: "Don't be throwin' out the burnt ones!"
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29) An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man walked out, waited a few minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?'
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
The doctor's office erupted in laughter.
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30) A birthday to remember...
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well. Waking up on that morning, I went downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant, say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, She barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.' I thought, Well, that's marriage for you. The kids though, they'll remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, My secretary Jane said, "Good morning, boss. And by the way, happy birthday!". I felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock. When Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it IS your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch? Just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch, but we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each, and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner." After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Well, all right.," I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and my co-workers, all singing Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there.
On the couch.
Naked.
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31) - The Lecture...
An elderly man is stopped by police around 1 am and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies: "My wife."
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32) The drunk ...
A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular biker bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his motorcycle.
After trying his keys on five other bikes, he finally found his own bike.
He sat on his motorcycle for a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left.
He turned his lights on, then off, and again on and off.
He started his engine and pulled forward into the grass, then stopped.
Finally, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.
The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over.
He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00.
The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!" he exclaimed.
"I doubt it," said the man, "You see, tonight I am the designated decoy... I haven't had a drink all day!"
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33) A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complains, 'I've been a little sick to my stomach.' The older doctor says, 'Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?'
As they left, the younger man said, 'You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?'
'I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick.'
'Huh,' the younger doctor said. 'Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house.'
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said,
'I'm feeling terribly run down lately.'
'You've probably been doing too much work for the Church,' the younger doctor told her. 'Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.'
As they left, the elder doctor said, 'I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?'
'I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.'
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34) Grandmas Don't Know Everything
Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked her: "Grandma, what's it called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. "Well, dear, it's called sexual intercourse."
'Oh', Little Tony said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse, it's called bunk beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you."
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35) A lobster tale ...
A seafood restaurant had a sign in the window that read, "Big Lobster Tales, $5 each."
Amazed at the great value, a man stopped in and asked the waitress, "Five dollars each for lobster tails. Is that correct"?
"Yes," she said. "It's our special just for today."
"Well," he said, "They must be little lobster tails."
"No," she replied, "It's the really big lobster."
"Big red lobster tails, $5 each"? he said, amazed. "They must be old lobster tails!"
"No, they're definitely today's."
"Today's big red lobster tails, $5 each"? he repeated, astounded.
"Yes," she insisted.
"Well, here's my five dollars," he said. "I'll take one."
She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder, leaned over close to him and said,
"Once upon a time, there was a really big, red lobster..."
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36) The Good news & the bad News
God summons President Barack Obama, Chinese Leader Hu Jintao and French Ex-President Nicolas Sarkozy to a meeting.
He then tells them that he has decided to end the world in 3 days and orders them to tell their people.
President Obama has a television speech to America and says,
"I have good news and bad news.
The good news is that there is a God.
The bad news is that he will destroy the world in 3 days."
Leader Hu has a television speech to the Chinese people.
He tells them,
"I have bad news and worse news.
The bad news is that there is a God.
The worse news is that the world is going to end in 3 days
and you're all going to hell."
Ex-President Sarkozy goes on television and tells the French people,
"I have good news and better news.
The good news is that there is a God and he spoke to me!
The better news is that the European economic crisis
will be over in 3 days!!!"
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37) I stopped by a roadside stand that said: 'Lobster Tails $2!'
I paid my $2 and the guy says: “Once upon a time there was this lobster…”
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