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Funny Quotes about Divorce, Drinking, Life, Love, Sex, Marriage, and so on ...

Spiritualia Forum Index > Praatcafé > Funny Quotes about Divorce, Drinking, Life, Love, Sex, Marriage, and so on ...
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Tsenne Kikke
Tsenne Kikke

Lid sinds: april 2005
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woensdag 17 maart 2010 2:39 :: Onderwerp: Funny Quotes about Divorce, Drinking, Life, Love, Sex, Marriage, and so on ...
About Divorce:

1. You don't know a women till you've met her in court. (Norman Mailer)

About Drinking:

1. Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth. (George Burns)

2. A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink. (W.C. Fields)

3. Twas a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her. (W.C. Fields)

4. My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. (Henny Youngman)

5. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. (Henny Youngman)

6. A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started." (Henny Youngman)

7. I used to think drinking was the only way to be happy. Now I know there is no way to be happy. (Laura Kightlinger)

8. I like my whisky old and my women young. (Errol Flynn)

9. Drink to-day, and drown all sorrow; You shall perhaps not do 't to-morrow. (John Fletcher)

About Life:

1. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. (Anonymous)

2. Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep. (Carl Sanburh)

3. Life is just a phase you're going'll get over it. (Anonymous)

4. The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you're still a rat. (Lilly Tomlin)

5. No matter how bad things get, you got to go on living, even if it kills you. (Sholom Ameichem)

6. When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. (Mark Twain)

7. Born to be wild - live to outgrow it. (Lao Tzu)

8. Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act. (Truman Capote)

9. Instead of holding on to the Biblical view that we are made in the image of God, we come to realize that we are made in the image of the monkey. (Lin Yutang)

10. Nothing matters very much, and very few things matter at all. (Arhur Balfour)

11. All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. (Sean O'Casey)

12. There must be more to life than having everything.(Maurice Sendak)

13. Life is painful, nasty and short... in my case it has only been painful and nasty.(Djuna Barnes)

14. A man should control his life. Mine is controlling me. (Rudolf Valentino)

15. Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one? (Bob Monkhouse)

About Love:

1. Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love. (Albert Einstein)

2. To be in love is merely to be in a state of perpetual anesthesia - to mistake an ordinary young woman for a goddess. (H.L. Mencken)

3. The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post. (George Bernard Shaw)

4. The only true love is love at first sight; second sight dispels it. (Israel Zangwill)

5. Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night." (Charles Schulz)

6. True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked. (Erich Segal)

7. If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? (Lily Tomlin)

8. My understanding of women goes only as far as the pleasures. (Michael Caine)

9. Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. (Jack Benny)

About Marriage:

1. Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet. (Mae West)

2. I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic. (Anonymous)

3. My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes. (Anonymous)

4. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? (George Carlin)

5. I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. (Zsa Zsa Gabor)

6. Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too. (H.L. Mencken)

7. Don't marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper. (Anonymous)

8. Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything in the house. (Jean Kerr)

9. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. (Rita Rudner)

10. Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin)

11. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. (Sacha Guitry)

12. By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. (Socrates)

13. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. (Anonymous)

14. My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact. (Roseanne Barr)

15. In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues. (Helen Rowlands)

16. Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable? (Carrie Snow)

17. The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch the TV after. Forty is when you watch the TV during. Sixty is when you watch the TV instead. (Anonymous)

18. Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day. (Mickey Rooney)

19. My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)

20. Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house. (George Burns)

21. Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is. (Milton Berne)

22. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. (Henny Youngman)

23. I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every finds out, she'll kill me! (Henny Youngman)

24. My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food..... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. (Henny Youngman)

25. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. (Henny Youngman)

26. My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. (Henny Youngman)

27. She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face. (Henny Youngman)

28. In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out. (Joey Adams)

29. Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway. (Joey Adams)

30. Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. (Jim Backus)

31. When my husband comes home, if the kids are still alive, I figure I've done my job. (Roseanne Barr)

32. My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside. (Roseanne Barr)

33. Cherie has many excellent qualities, but once she goes to sleep, it takes a minor nuclear explosion to wake her up. (Tony Blair)

34. I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me. (Elayne Boosler)

35. A man doesn't know what hapiness is until he's married. By then it's too late. (Frank Sinatra)

36. One's fantasy goes for a walk and returns with a bride. (Bernatd Malamud)

37. I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night. (Maria Corelli)

38. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing-and then marry him. (Cher)

39. You have no idea of the women I didn't marry. (Artie Shaw)

40. Mom and Pop were just a couple of kids when they got married. He was eighteen, she was sixteen, and I was three. (Billie Holiday)

41. I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much. (Bob Munkhouse)

42. Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest. (Bob Munkhouse)

43. Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. (Woody Allen)

44. In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. (Woody Allen)

45. My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never. (Jack Benny)

46. One man's folly is another man's wife. (Helen Rowland)

47. An affair now and then is good for a marriage. It adds spice, stops it from getting boring... I ought to know. (Bette Davis)

About Religion:

1. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ..., they're cramming for their final exam. (George Carlin)

2. Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car. (Garrison Keillor)

3. The missionaries go forth to Christianize the savages - as if the savages weren't dangerous enough already.

About Sex:

1. I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance. (Bob Monkhouse)

2. If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to? (Bette Midler)

3. Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is. (Milton Berne)

4. My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects. (Les Dawson)

5. You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither! (Drew Carey)

6. It isn`t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married. (Drew Carey)

7. Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software. (Arthur C. Clarke)

8. Sex is a bad thing because it rumples the clothes. (Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis)

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