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Humor: George Carlin

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Tsenne Kikke
Tsenne Kikke

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dinsdag 16 maart 2010 15:51 :: Onderwerp: Humor: George Carlin

1) Religion

2) Advantages of being old

3) on Death - RIP

4) The Ten Commandments

5) George Carlin Doesn't vote

14) George Dennis Carlin was born May 12, 1937 in New York City and died on the 22nd June 2008 at the age of 71. 48 years long he's been doing stand-up comedy. In the process he's pissed off a lot of people and accumulated some of the funniest, and most controversial, quotes known to man. Here are a few of them .

1. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

2. Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!

3. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

4. Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?

5. I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I'm an American - you know, you grow.

6. You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.

7. If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

8. No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.

9. The reason I talk to myself is because I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

10. Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

11. Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man. living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

12. Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

13. If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.

14. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

15. I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

16. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

17. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

18. I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

19. When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front-row seat.

20. I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.

21. I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.

22. Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place? There's such balance in nature.

23. So I say, "Live and let live." That's my motto. "Live and let live." Anyone who can't go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It's a simple philosophy, but it's always worked in our family.

24. Catholic - which I was until I reached the age of reason.

25. Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.

26. God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

27. One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.

28. In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

29. "One thing leads to another"? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.

30. Property is theft. Nobody "owns" anything. When you die, it all stays here.

31. The future will soon be a thing of the past.

32. The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

33. The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

34. Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.

35. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

36. Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' ready to hang himself.

37. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.

38. "Meow" means "woof" in cat.

39. Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

40. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

41. So far, this is the oldest I've been.

42. Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.

43. I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.

44. I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it.

45. It isn't fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.

46. Those who dance are considered insane by those who can't hear the Music.

47. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

48. In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

49. Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

50. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

51. Religion is just mind control.

52. Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

53. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

54. There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

55. There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

56. When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

57. When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

58. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?"

59. Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

60. Now, there's one thing you might have noticed I don't complain about: politicians. Everybody complains about politicians. Everybody says they suck. Well, where do people think these politicians come from? They don't fall out of the sky. They don't pass through a membrane from another reality. They come from American parents and American families, American homes, American schools, American churches, American businesses and American universities, and they are elected by American citizens. This is the best we can do folks. This is what we have to offer. It's what our system produces: Garbage in, garbage out. If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're going to get selfish, ignorant leaders. Term limits ain't going to do any good; you're just going to end up with a brand new bunch of selfish, ignorant Americans. So, maybe, maybe, maybe, it's not the politicians who suck. Maybe something else sucks around here... like, the public. Yeah, the public sucks. There's a nice campaign slogan for somebody: 'The Public Sucks. F*ck Hope.

61. I have solved this political dilemma in a very direct way: I don't vote. On Election Day, I stay home. I firmly believe that if you vote, you have no right to complain. Now, some people like to twist that around. They say, 'If you don't vote, you have no right to complain,' but where's the logic in that? If you vote, and you elect dishonest, incompetent politicians, and they get into office and screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You voted them in. You caused the problem. You have no right to complain. I, on the other hand, who did not vote -- who did not even leave the house on Election Day -- am in no way responsible for that these politicians have done and have every right to complain about the mess that you created.

62. We're so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody's going to save something now. Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the snails. And the supreme arrogance? Save the planet! Are these people kidding? Save the planet? We don't even know how to take care of ourselves; we haven't learned how to care for one another. We're gonna save the fuckin' planet? . . . And, by the way, there's nothing wrong with the planet in the first place. The planet is fine. The people are fucked! Compared with the people, the planet is doin' great. It's been here over four billion years . . . The planet isn't goin' anywhere, folks. We are! We're goin' away. Pack your shit, we're goin' away. And we won't leave much of a trace. Thank God for that. Nothing left. Maybe a little Styrofoam. The planet will be here, and we'll be gone. Another failed mutation; another closed-end biological mistake.

63. Consumption. This is the new national pastime. Fuck baseball, it's consumption, the only true, lasting American value that's left . . . buying things . . . People spending money they don't have on things they don't need . . . So they can max out their credit cards and spend the rest of their lives paying 18 percent interest on something that cost $12.50. And they didn't like it when they got it home anyway. Not too bright, folks, not too fuckin' bright.

64. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

65. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

66. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.

67. I like Florida. Everything is in the 80's. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's.

68. The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

69. If a man smiles all the time he's probably selling something that doesn't work.

70. I've begun worshipping the Sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention: I can see the Sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to God are all answered at about the same 50-percent rate.

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