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Van Country & Western zangeres tot Operazangeres…

Een voorstelling om écht van te genieten!
door Tsenne Kikke - woensdag 2 januari 2019 15:57

Laten we het jaar met een plezante noot aanvangen..., namelijk: met een zware bevalling.

 'They Don't Let You in the Opera' wordt hieronder door Kelli O'Hara op een magistrale manier uitgevoerd: geniet ervan! Maar, omdat ze zo snel spreekt, heb ik er dan ook voor alle veiligheid de volledige tekst aan toegevoegd.

Now, I was born down in Georgia
But Georgia wasn't good enough for me
I'd sing country songs for them
But my heart sang La Bohème
And it didn't help we moved to Tennessee
Nashville's not the place you sing high C

If you wanna sing at all
You best sing country
So I picked up how to do it pretty fast
Be a country star or go
In the sticks them hicks don't know
Verdi's Rigoletto from their ass
So a country star's how I came to pass

But I'll sing opera one day
"It's like Opry with an a"
I told my agent in his fancy car
And it pained him I could tell
When he said, "no chance in hell
They don't let you in the opera
If you're a country star"
"Is it the way I say oblighetto?"

So I took that country singing job and shoved it
And I headed to The Met at NYC
I know that stage is hard to reach
But Domingo likes a peach
You should hear that tenor voice sing rockabilly
Now I'm trying out for The Barber of Seville

When a voice booms from the house
"From those tassels on your blouse
I can tell you've got a twang and play guitar
I bet they loved you in the South
But please, don't open your mouth
We can't let you in the opera
If you're a country star
'Cause no patron trusts an opera
In the hands of a country star"

Do you think I can't wail
'Cause I got long pink fingernails?
I had to play more country songs
Just to stay afloat
Though Aida's my role
I'm in a southern pigeon hole
I sing like Maria Callas
But no one's heard a note

'Till I charmed an old blowhard
Who owns half of Juilliard
Said my singing was so beautiful he cried
And I felt my heartbeat hop
Then I heard his heartbeat stop
He said, "welcome to the opera"
And then the bastard died

Well, time went by, I gave up on the opera
Grabbed a man, got ready for a kid
Though La Scala never called
My ears still get enthralled
When I hear a great soprano blow her lid
So head up to the opera house I did

But as vibratos start to shake
I feel my water break
I'd never even make it down the aisle
If you'd have been there you'd have seen
In that second mezzanine
First a head, then two feet
From my ninety dollar seat
As I lifted up my gown
To the Dr. Toravelle
It hurts like hell

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God
Does that squish the baby?
How can it breathe?
Contraction! Contraction!
Contraction! Contraction!
My God, I paid so much for Dr. Chung
And now this

Ow! You son of a bitch!
No, thank you, I mean it
You [?]!
Contraction! Contraction!
Yes! I feel that!

I'm pushing
I'm pushing
Oh my God, oh my God
It's like pushing a watermelon
Through a hole the size of a lemon

Aha! Aha! Aha!
What? Well, it better be a boy!

I'm so sorry about your dress!

Well, now, to my surprise
Those patrons had tears in their eyes
The New York Times review
Even raved I was all that
Found the headline bizarre
"Opera gives birth to a new star
When she was done, what fun
And a newborn in her lap"
Then the head of the trustees board
Said, "before you cut the cord
Here's an agent, a contract and some caviar
You'll start right away, my dear
We have daycare, please sign here"
Been my dream since I sang country
Now I'm an opera star

(Baby cries)

Shh, shh!
But you were the best part of the opera by far
Now a crib ain't where you're needing pearls of wisdom
But listen up before you've cried a word
When you hear no, don't get upset
It means yes, but just not yet
Fight the most when folks say you're absurd
In the end, I believe we all get heard

But if I may suggest one rule
Before I'm no longer cool
What you do ain't always who you are
So if you find your heart is set
On both Memphis and The Met
And they force you to choose
Don't run off and sing the blues
Bet your ass you can sing opera
If you're a country – that's a C
Star! Hey!

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